I've learned, after dreary experience, that I need to allow myself these moments. To allow myself recovery time, not to fret at the lack of meaning I feel, not to judge my life on a moment when I'm temporarily 'used up'.
Sometimes, or even often, this happens when it's not my 'day off' and I have to go through the motions, forcing myself to care even though the rebellious, shattered part of me sees no reason to care.
We all have things about ourselves that we (hopefully) learn to recognise. I recognise that just because I feel this way today, doesn't mean I'll feel that way tomorrow. Just because I can't imagine, in this moment, ever writing anything again - let alone anything of worth - doesn't mean I won't. Just because I don't see the point, doesn't mean I don't have a point.
Some seem to excel at living. Some seem to be naturally buoyant - all the time! Some people seem to exude compassion and I am tempted to despair at my lack of care. But then, I don't see them when they are slumped on the sofa, all used up.
I need to remember how 'I' work. No point in comparing myself to others. To understand what 'I' need, and how I need to go about things - and not be forced into a template I was never designed for.
I need to remember that I need to ride out these off-moments in order to reach something new and different, in order to stretch myself. To allow space for the Spirit of God to whisper (or sometime shout) into my carelessness.
I ebb - and sometimes it feels a long time ebbing - but then I flow.
And words which felt like gravel on my tongue spill over it like delicious liquid.
What do you know about yourself? How do you handle it? How does it affect your writing life?
Lucy's first book, Forgetful Heart: remembering God in a distracted world, was published in 2014 by Darton, Longman and Todd (DLT). She's written articles, poetry and prayers for various publications and is an editor at magnet magazine. www.lucy-mills.com
- When a Writer Walks Down a Wall (September 2015)
- The power of the backstory (August 2015)
- The long way round (July 2015)
- Taming the tentacles (June 2015)
- Tracing the journey (May 2015)
- Why a bit of polish matters (April 2015)